Just be yourself

It’s 3:03pm, a call with a new client just started and as is the custom on these sorts of calls, someone says “Let’s kick off with a round of intros”. I listen as each person offers a 30sec spiel about who they are: “Director…, Partner…, Passionate about…”. I wonder how many pieces of themselves they leave off; “Parent, pocket watch collector, gardener”. When it's my turn, I do the same thing; I summarize my credentials and reassure the team of how excited I am to be here. I don’t talk about my dreams, plans, or even personality, and I don’t think this is atypical of many spaces. We curate these digestible personas for different spaces, one for work, one for church, one for family, one for friends - so when someone says “Tell me about yourself”, the question echoes back “Who will you be to me”?

Now while there are so many ways to tackle the summation of identity, I’ve decided to explore a few here:

1. Culture: Who does your culture say you are? Does your race matter? Does your gender matter more? Do you speak in communal or individual terms? Are you literal or metaphorical in speaking and engaging with the world around you? What belief systems guide how you think and solve problems?

2. Family and relationships: Who does your family say are? Are you a caregiver? A planner? A provider? A listener? In some relationships, you may be required to take on a certain role while in others you have the freedom to choose and evolve who you want to be.

3. Life experience: What unique experiences have you had that have shaped you? Maybe a day you got lost somewhere and had to be resourceful. Maybe the summer camp where you met your best friend illuminated what you value in relationships. Maybe it was your Sunday afternoon routine that shaped your perspective on discipline.

Now often times you’ll get the well-intentioned advice; “just be yourself”, probably right before a conversation you’re really nervous about. Or my fave [read most infuriating] corporate line: “Bring your full self here”. No one really tells you what it means to be yourself, let alone your full self and spoiler alert: neither will I.

Unearthing and curating, your identity is a deeply personal and lifelong walk. If I can offer any guidance, it will be this:

In every moment and with every person, are you being as “you” as you can be?

That may mean voicing your perspective even when its unpopular, saying no even when its inconvenient for others, or letting go of what is familiar for what is true.

I for one am still figuring it all out

x

You still need to take accountability...

When it’s tough to hear:

You’re burnt out and just doing your best then your partner sends you the dreaded “we need to talk” text. You have a few responses on your mind about why talking is the exact opposite of what you need right now. Hearing them detail how you hurt their feelings last Tuesday may not be your idea of a fun evening and more so when you feel they also wronged you however being able to look past all of your reasons for being justified in your actions and owning the fact that regardless of your intent, your actions have had an impact on someone else is where accountability begins. Thank them for caring enough to bring it to your attention, take some time to reflect and come back with questions so you can be sure you’ve understood. Then communicate that you have understood and discuss a plan for change together.

When it’s what you asked for:

Yes you asked a mentor to hold you accountable to your career goals so why does it feel like they are attacking you every time they ask about it? Remember that you can’t get there on your own without someone checking in on you, the discomfort of repeatedly hearing about it is part of the process. If for nothing else, let your irritation spur you to action. There will always be a very valid reason why you can’t do the thing but take the continued reminders as a gift to help you prioritize those tasks and get it done.

When the other person won’t own their part:

Like the saying goes; it takes two to tango. Frankly, if we were to run the numbers on who’s guilty, they would be holding 90% while you hold 10. Yet somehow here you are apologizing while they are sitting crossed armed deciding your fate. It is important to remember that you don’t control their actions, you can only control yours. Accountability is the gift you give yourself here, they may not be ready to own their actions, however by owning your part, you are able to keep growing and moving forward. Yes, calling their attention to how their actions impacted you is non-negotiable, AND there’s no guarantee that they would reassess. All you can control is your actions and your response

When no one else is to blame:

Sometimes you just have to sit and acknowledge that this is a disaster of your own design. You knew better but you didn’t do better. You waited till the last minute to work on that license renewal and now you’re sitting in the office of a disinterested official telling you that it’s going to take six weeks to process when you know good and well you need that license in 3 days. It’s not the official’s fault, it’s not an issue with the system, this is all you baby and you need to own that. While you steep in the consequences of your own inaction, spend time reflecting. You can set a standard for how you want to show up and then put systems in place to keep you on track.

Community Spotlight: Lola Gafaar

Community Spotlights are an opportunity for us to meet and celebrate the wonderful people that make up the Lavendame community and hear from them on our theme for the season.

This month, we are hearing from Lola Gafaar; a film professional, recreational athlete, and hopeless (hopeful?) romantic.

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If I could be any TV character, I would be...

Probably Ayo Adebiri's character - (The Bear). Her name is Sydney! I feel like I relate to the core of the character. Her frustrations are my frustrations, her expressions are mine! I feel like that character is so totally alive!

Some honourable mentions

• Issa Dee (Insecure) - I think because this character has its roots in 'awkward black girl', and I feel like my life is the story of an 'awkward black girl', I feel a kindredness to the character. I also really relate to the career journey of the character and how it took her a little longer to find her way as an adult. I'm definitely not getting as much action as she is though, sooo there's that... I don't get to curl up to Jay Ellis, lol.

• A cross between Kelly (The Office) & Mindy Lahiri (The Mindy Project) - I feel like these two characters have a direct correlation to the silliest parts and most optimistic parts of my personality, especially when I was younger. Now I'm old and grizzled and have no hope, so maybe not as much anymore, lol

• Leslie Knope (Parks & Rec) - who I'd like to be, especially personality wise and like her exact love story (so adorbs!)

To me, accountability means...

Accountability means showing up for and taking ownership of the responsibilities in your life - work (work adjacent), friendships, relationships, hobbies, wants, desires, etc. 

Accountability is hard when...

Not to get too personal, but I think accountability is hardest when my mental health is suffering. It's like how do you draw from an empty(ish) well. 

It is also hard when I'm lazy (just some good ole fashioned laziness), lol, jk jk, but not really hehe...

Here's something I'd like the community to know...

This is pretty basic but I think people need a reminder (at least I know I did). I'd like the community to know that It's okay to ask and to seek help. It could be: help with emotional support or with more tangible things. That little bit of help could be the extra push you need to keep your accountability journey going on the right track at any given moment. I've recently had a couple of experiences where that has proven true. Anyways I'm constantly being reminded that nobody goes it alone and nobody gets a medal or a cookie, for doing it alone either.

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A lack of accountability was [and still is] costing me big

Its a regular Monday and I’m scrolling on Instagram when a cheeky post catches my eye.

the job description said “good work-life balance” but my manager is texting me at 9 pm on a Saturday!!

Now I chuckle because it’s relatable, and realistically, corporations and other systems NEED to be held accountable. We depend on these systems for our lives to run smoothly. If Patty Joe in accounting doesn’t run payroll this Friday, it’s not just a simple gaff; bills, trips, and mortgages are all hanging in the balance. The impact on each individual in that company can be colossal. We hold systems accountable because the safety and effectiveness of our world depend on them.As I reflected more on this, however, one thing struck me: systems don’t run without people, people like me! So when I am calling for accountability of systems, it is easy to shake my fist at the faceless intersection of process, technology, and place, however, the foundation on which all of that rests is people. What decisions are we making in our tiny cells that have far-reaching effects on our communities? Now this is not a question I can answer for anyone but myself. Accountability starts with me and those who I find myself in close community with.

Whether it’s doing the dishes when I said I would, calling a friend back, or getting out of bed the first time my alarm goes off, there are numerous opportunities daily where I make decision that impact the safety and effectiveness of my community. My decision to hit snooze may seemingly only impact me, but when I consider what it might cost in my preparedness for the day, other people having to hear 4 alarms, and the likelihood that I will rush through my morning routine, it seems a lot more impactful.

As a young girl, I genuinely thought that being a grown up meant that I wouldn’t have to be answerable to anyone but as I have gotten older, I have found the opposite to be true. Based on my faith, I am accountable to God first which adds a layer of responsibility to how I operate. Secondly, I am accountable to my present and future self. So regardless of my feelings, I owe it to myself to act in my best interests. Thirdly, I am accountable to my friends and family and feel a sense of responsibility to care for them. Finally, I am accountable to the social systems I operate within, which looks like paying my bills, educating myself on the experiences of others, and positively contributing to the lives of others.

Now while I know what I ought to do, I don’t always live like I ought to. Far too often, I choose present comfort over investing in my future self. I don’t check-in with my loved ones as often as I should. Every time I make one of these decisions, there’s a cost associated with it. It may cost me time that could have been otherwise allocated, trust that others have in me or that I have in myself, or money spent trying to right a wrong.

Accountability isn’t saying that I will always make the right choices, but it does mean that I can come back to my community when I don’t, own the cost of missing the mark, and take the necessary steps to do better next time.

Money memories

I remember being about 5 or 6. An uncle had come to visit, and it was one of those visits that ended in “take this and buy Fanta.” If you don’t have a clue what that means, it’s is the part of any adult’s visit you hoped for as a child. You endured coming down to greet a total stranger and the feigned surprise that you don’t remember them when they JUST said the last time they saw you was mere moments after your birth. You diligently brought out snacks and drinks and played quietly in another room so they can remark to your parents how well behaved you are. Now if it’s never happened before, your singular emotion at the end of that visit is anxious anticipation to bid this guest adieu so you can carry on being the hoodlum you truly are; however, once the crisp Naira notes emerge, it suddenly seems like it’s all been worth it! Your OWN money! They’ll say something incredulous like “use this to buy Fanta” or “use this to buy sweets” but you know the amount you have just been handed is WAY too much for such petty purchases. Granted, in hindsight, 100 Naira isn’t mad money but when you’re 5 and that 100 Naira has been handed to you as ten mint 10 Naira notes, you - are - BALLIN!

I couldn’t tell you what I did with that first money gift. I think my mum may have taken it or maybe I splurged on Goody Goody and Robo at the local tuck shop. Either way, as quickly as those notes hit my grubby little five-year-old fingers, they were gone! Now there have been many money milestones in my life since then: selling handmade jewelry at the school fair and making my first loss, selling baked goods to my mum’s colleagues and turning my first profit, starting to get an allowance from my parents, and learning the value of budgeting, and earning my first paycheck and realizing that the satisfaction you get from a paycheck only lasts as long as the time between the deposit and paying the first bill.

Through these experiences, I have learned a few things about money:

1. You are not as disciplined as you’d like to believe. The more systems you can create around your money, the better for you. For me, this looks like automating deposits to savings accounts or setting reminders to cancel “free trials”

2. It’s a lot harder to scale back, so don’t live a luxury lifestyle on a noodle budget. When I tell you that I could drain my account on Ubers in the winter and not even feel bad about it…chileeee. But when you taste the joy and comfort of door-to-door service, it’s reeeally hard to make a case for the Dufferin bus where I’m being held upright by other bodies and a prayer.

3. Don’t be afraid to talk about money. It might not be the first topic of conversation with your new coworkers or on a first date but definitely talk about it. We create so many illusions around money - likely because of experiences we’ve had or have heard of - but you have plenty to gain from a little more transparency. Conversations on money have helped me negotiate salaries, scale back on spending for certain items and overall be a more considerate friend. 10 out of 10 would recommend!

Now I know I still have plenty to learn when it comes to diversifying my income and making my money work for me. That’s where YOU come in, let me know some of your money lessons in the comments below!

Surviving adulthood: Raw emotion...

Black womanhood, an uncomfortable awakening

*Added context for the listener: recorded and shared at the height of the BLM protests surrounding the deaths of Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd

Surviving adulthood: Musings on the future

Feelings, Naps and life maps

Surviving adulthood: BFFs?

The evolution of friendships in adulthood, petty squabbles and deep loss

Surviving adulthood: A journal

I keep trying to write this in an order that makes sense but adulthood has not been a straight path and I have failed, been a child, gotten back up … whatever you want to call it. There are many times I have done a little less of surviving adulthood and there are times I have done more than survive. Currently, I am somewhere between a “what the fuck is happening”.

If I could go back in time …

I would tell myself all about the years of health battles to come. I would first say, I am sorry it only gets tougher. I would tell myself I was not crazy for experienceable unexplainable bouts of sickness. I know now all bout how many people including health professionals when there is nothing concrete to point to. How like many black women, the healthcare system has failed me over and over. I would tell myself I was too young to advocate properly & it is okay because you will get better. I would tell myself the first health decision you have to make for yourself will be the first of many. It would affect every part of your life, you will do all the things you’re meant to anyway (trust me, I’m working on it)

I knew I was an adult when …

I’ll let you know when I find out. honestly, I am not sure. I have moments of adulthood or feeling confident in my decisions & path but I do not ever remember a moment I felt I was an adult & never looked back (lol). I felt like an adult when I moved into my own apartment for the first time. Adulthood came with working a full-time job in my field. It would come when I signed as co-owner of a business. It would come when I went home for the first in ten years. It would come as I look at my parents, seeing our pictures, and wondering how much time could have passed between then and now.

adulting taught me that …

friendships, real genuine friendships will always hold you down in the end. It will matter who you pick to do this life with; and yes, sometimes people come and go, it is part of the friendship cycle. Find your core, invest in them, love on them. My friendship community has gotten me through every time and I am infinitely grateful to be adulting with them.

Finally,

surviving adulthood is about one-day thriving adulthood. the goal is to be proud of myself, to do things & be a person I am unwaveringly proud of ( + happy to be). whatever yours is, may your path be guided.

- Shully Sappire Rubinstein

Surviving adulthood: For every action...

"Cause and Effect in Adulthood”

One of the things that Adulthood shows is the very real principle of cause and effect. As a child, assumptions are made that cause and effect is a function of being caught in the act. You assume that as long as you hide things well enough, there are no real consequences for your actions. Your parents provide a lot of cushion to prevent you from completely feeling the effect of your actions many a time and as much as they try to extend that protection to your adult years, the principle is inevitable. 

I believe procrastinators suffer this the most in their adult years and sometimes the consequences are severe. Sometimes, they are mild. I remember procrastinating about renewing a few permits that were beneficial to my next level. Life quickly showed me that there are no devils in the village chasing you on certain actions, you are the stumbling block in your way. Thankfully, the repercussions of my actions were not too drastic but it immediately woke me up and made me realize that my safety cushion was gone. If I did not take the necessary steps, I lost an opportunity, I got in real trouble with authority, or just plain failed a project. The principle of “Cause and Effect” is real in adulthood and only you can stand in your own way.

- Atim Ukoh

Surviving adulthood: The thing about roommates...

No one tells you how living in shared spaces/ having housemates as an adult is very crucial to your happiness.

This is not a rant but it may sound like it. Ever since I graduated from university (2017), I have moved 3 times in 3 years. Yes I have stayed in 3 different rentals in 3 years. Imagine the cost and time spent by me moving. The list entails renting a truck,  getting credit checks, saving first and last rent, packing my stuff, booking elevators, and it goes on.

It may sound crazy but trust me it had to be done. Home to me signifies a place where you rest, express yourself and are at peace from all the craziness of this world. It is a place of shelter, warmth and solace from a very stressful day.

Every time I moved I assumed my new housemate was the most sensible person at that time, and I could make it work. Sadly, as they say 'assumption is the lowest form of knowledge' I was always wrong and I think I'm still wrong haha.

I knew I was an adult when I had to consistently clean up after my house mates even after politely expressing my concerns that they should do it themselves. Honestly, there comes a time when you're too tired to repeat yourself and you just take action.

There are many other things that cause friction about living with other people. For example, how the person cooks, the smell of their food, how they answer calls in shared spaces, who they bring to your home etc.

Of course it would be nice to live alone, but as a millennial in Toronto, it is not financially smart. It's advised you spend less and save more (even though interest rates on savings account are NIL right now #covid19). The question I often ask myself is,  to what extent do I sacrifice happiness, peace, comfort for cost of living ? (Answer to this, I am yet to find out and it's okay not to know, because - that's adulting :) )

Kudos to those who have siblings and are living together or have a house bought by their parents. They are so blessed. Lol I'm blessed also, mostly in my experiences haha.

Funny thing is, I'm thinking of moving again :) (my body and mind is already numb to the process). I think I have learnt to just go with the flow and  endure the process.

In order for you not to move as often as I have, I cumulated a list defining types of house mates, which you should avoid and if you're already living with them how to cope.

1. The cooker/ chef - this housemate cooks a lot of aromatic/spicy/acidic food. The food aroma is so strong that you can perceive it from your room. When they cook, kindly tell them to open windows, balcony doors, or use the extractor. If they don’t listen to you, open the windows/ doors and turn on the extractor yourself. If food smell still persists boil white vinegar mixed with water and allow steam to neutralize food smell. Trust me it works.

2. The phone talkative - this house mate does not respect shared space and talks on their phone using loud speaker, does not care if you can hear their conversation or not. This one is quite tricky. There are two ways, either you tell them nicely to be mindful and that you can hear them or to use headphones when on the phone, or better still ignore them.

3. The passive - the house mate that does not do their due diligence when it comes to shared work/ responsibilities. For example, they send you rent at the eleventh hour, or they don’t buy soap on time when it's their turn to. In this case, you have to be an adult and remind them. Mutually agree when things are expected to be done. You should be the active one.

4. The partier - this kind of house mate often has people over on Friday or Saturday or sometimes on a weekday (I know, crazy right ?!). His/ Her friends come over for pre-drinks and they play loud music or have a good time. Firstly, avoid housemates like this, literally shun! When screening housemates, ask potentials how they spend their weekend to predict what to expect. You can not confront them during the party. After the party is done, you should both agree how frequent he/she can have parties and the duration of the parties.

5. The rude one - housemates like these make me cringe. You are nice and respectful to them, but they do not reciprocate that to you. A wise saying " Silence is the best answer" and do not take their word or actions to heart. This too shall pass haha. (P.s it's okay to vent to a friend, do not harbor rage in you).

6. The careless one - this is the type of house mate that uses your stuff but does not treat it with respect ( like why?!). There are two ways  to resolve this. Either tell them nicely how they could use it better, or mutually agree to stop using each other's stuff (politely).

7. The fake one - I think this is one you should be weary of. This type of house mate seems to pass all your housemate requirements when you first meet, but their personality contradicts that after you move in together. You need to be really careful especially when selecting. For example, if you're done university and have started working your housemate should ideally be a working professional and not a university student (sorry uni folks, one love!). I say this because the mentioned parties have a really different mindset.  In addition, schedules and lifestyles rarely intersect. Except if both parties are good friends ( I'd say stay away from living with friends, this one could go south, speaking from my blessed experience).

Adulting has taught me to endure the process, be patient and understand people's differences. It has also taught me that if I cannot tolerate someone's difference, then I should move elsewhere but it has to be a financially smart move.

Hope you enjoy your experience adulting :)

- Anon