It’s 3:03pm, a call with a new client just started and as is the custom on these sorts of calls, someone says “Let’s kick off with a round of intros”. I listen as each person offers a 30sec spiel about who they are: “Director…, Partner…, Passionate about…”. I wonder how many pieces of themselves they leave off; “Parent, pocket watch collector, gardener”. When it's my turn, I do the same thing; I summarize my credentials and reassure the team of how excited I am to be here. I don’t talk about my dreams, plans, or even personality, and I don’t think this is atypical of many spaces. We curate these digestible personas for different spaces, one for work, one for church, one for family, one for friends - so when someone says “Tell me about yourself”, the question echoes back “Who will you be to me”?
Now while there are so many ways to tackle the summation of identity, I’ve decided to explore a few here:
Culture: Who does your culture say you are? Does your race matter? Does your gender matter more? Do you speak in communal or individual terms? Are you literal or metaphorical in speaking and engaging with the world around you? What belief systems guide how you think and solve problems?
Family and relationships: Who does your family say are? Are you a caregiver? A planner? A provider? A listener? In some relationships, you may be required to take on a certain role while in others you have the freedom to choose and evolve who you want to be.
Life experience: What unique experiences have you had that have shaped you? Maybe a day you got lost somewhere and had to be resourceful. Maybe the summer camp where you met your best friend illuminated what you value in relationships. Maybe it was your Sunday afternoon routine that shaped your perspective on discipline.
Now often times you’ll get the well-intentioned advice; “just be yourself”, probably right before a conversation you’re really nervous about. Or my fave [read most infuriating] corporate line: “Bring your full self here”. No one really tells you what it means to be yourself, let alone your full self and spoiler alert: neither will I.
Unearthing and curating, your identity is a deeply personal and lifelong walk. If I can offer any guidance, it will be this:
In every moment and with every person, are you being as “you” as you can be?
That may mean voicing your perspective even when its unpopular, saying no even when its inconvenient for others, or letting go of what is familiar for what is true.
I for one am still figuring it all out
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